SIMPLE COCKTAIL RECIPES, BECAUSE ALL THE GOOD BARTENDERS ARE AT SXSW
Step-by-step instructions for the C-team lunch staff.
All serving amounts should be eyeballed using the “ballpark” system, as those tools need frequent washing, and it’s, like, a whole thing.
“The Manchurian Picnic Basket”
Tell the customers, “Jason may be on tour, but there’s a new sheriff in town,” with this barroom classic sporting a modern twist!
1 pint - draft Budweiser
19 to 32 dashes - Angostura bitters
A little umbrella? Why not…
Pull from nearly empty keg, if possible. Apply bitters until the 4 inches of foam has turned completely pink.
“The Lone Star Pirouette”
In honor of SXSW… A Texas treat for patrons with a sweet tooth!
12 oz. can, Lone Star Beer
1 Pepperidge Farm Pirouette, used as straw
*Substitute Red Vine for a, “Roadhouse Picture Show”
“The Braille Death Threat”
We call It, “inspired spontaneity.” Yelp calls it, “we won’t be returning!”
8 oz - Coca Cola
4 oz - Liqueur De Jour
Begin to construct the traditional Whiskey Coke that the customer ordered. Mistakenly reach for a floral-smelling liqueur in a bottle that isn’t similar enough to justify the error. Check your surroundings to see if anyone noticed. Proceed, regardless.
“Daytona Daycare”
Need a special drink for a dehydrated Southern Belle? Well, I nevah! We do declare that this electrolyte-rich, adult drink for babies is just what you need to convince yourself that your early thirties are going just fine! Why else would you, a grown person, reach for a poison remedy with a teddy bear on the bottle if you weren't a well-adjusted contributor to society?
1 bottle - B.Y.O. Pedialyte, supplied by customer
Southern Comfort (to taste)
Invert SoCo bottle until customer says, “when.” Serve in visibly unwashed rocks glass.
*Sub Campbell’s chunky, any variety, and 3x any available liquor for a “Cajun Rashomon.”
“The Dirty Sinead”
A drink that'll tear you a new headshot of John Paul II...
2 inverted glugs - Baileys Irish Cream
Any three buttons on soda gun
Ladle over 2 finely muddled Airborne Tablets.
Shake feebly. Garnish with lime, whole, sticker-on.
“The Prolonged Island Iced Tea”
A new spin on an old favorite, coming right up!
1 Customer you totally spaced on
Confidently accept order. Look up ingredients on phone. Switch quickly to Instagram. Notice that there’s a German Shepherd / Golden Retriever mix now. Wonder why you haven’t heard about this before. Should you get a dog? Better think on it for twelve minutes!
“The Westminster Fire Drill”
“Everyone is out of town but me, can you just... hop back here for a sec?”
1 bar, like, a little less than half full
Ask the youngest or oldest looking person in the room to watch the bar while you take an automated fraud detection call from Citi Bank.
“The Muji Mogul”
Let this visionary drink challenge everything you thought a cocktail could be.
16 oz. - Ciroc
10 drops - Yuzu essential oil
Build in Humidifier with flashing, ‘change filter’ light. Power with one ungrounded extension cord, inexplicably sticky. Respond to, “what's that smell?” queries with, “the future.”
“The Crystal Skull”
I want to believe...
1 Bottle - Crystal Head Vodka
Inspect Crystal Head Vodka bottle. Take out phone and Wikipedia Dan Akroyd, founder of Crystal Head Vodka. Think about how he really believes in ghosts and aliens and shit. Naturally bring up Trading Places with customer. Lead conversation toward formative experiences with nudity in film. Forget to take their order.
“The Turner and Hooch”
A contemporary spin on a classic Negroni.
2 oz. - London dry gin
.75 oz. - Campari
.75 oz. - sweet vermouth
6 dashes - grapefruit bitters
1 orange twist - garnish
Pour the gin, Campari, sweet vermouth, and grapefruit bitters over ice into a chilled mixing glass. Stir and strain over fresh ice. Garnish. Realize this one turned out pretty good after all! Give yourself a hand. Sell to underage participant of sting operation. Attempt to smooth things over with the cops. Name drop someone you know on the force. Remember you don’t know anyone on the force. Just make one up. Oh, no, no, no, thats THIS cop’s name, he just told you! Why are you like this? Forfeit liquor license. Call manager in Austin, currently enjoying last moments of genuine fun he’ll see in his adult life. Ask if you should get a dog.