*Siren*

Chyron:

“SALE! SALE! SALE!”

This is Ricky St. Claire of Crazy Ricky’s Inflatable Rentals, home of the region’s largest inventory of inflatable union protest rats! For years, my friends and customers have asked me, “Ricky, why don’t you pay your employees a fair, livable wage?!” “Well,” I say, “I don’t think you understand what my place is or what it does!” We just rent them! We’re an honest business!

*Siren*

Chyron:

“THE RATS ARE OURS!”

“PLEASE DON’T BE MAD!”

Yet, over the years, the public’s misinformed opinion of us has only worsened! In fact, some individuals have showed up to protest in confused solidarity! They even brought their own rat!

*Siren*

Chyron:

“NOT OUR RAT!”

“DON’T RENT!”

“ALL OTHER RATS ARE OURS!”

“NOTICE INFERIOR QUALITY!”

So let’s clear the air! It couldn’t be simpler! I rent my union rats to workers who need them! We are not being protested on the grounds of wage inequality or labor disputes of any kind! Except for the group who is protesting us with a visibly inferior rat of their own! ...Which is a mistake!

*Siren*

Chyron:

“PRETTY SIMPLE!”

“ALL PROTEST RATS NOT BEING USED FOR PROTEST!”

“EXCEPT THE ONE!”

“...”

“Scabby, The Union Rights Strike Rat,” a high-quality, wind and water resistant model with more pronounced rat features than the competition, has ceased to yield any form of profit, as potential rat-renting clients refuse to cross the picket line that wasn’t actually real, until it became real, but not entirely! I drew a flow chart explaining this! But it wasn’t helpful!

Please, take them off my hands! You don't even have to use them for union disputes! You can use them anywhere! They're perfect for... Birthday parties! Business meetings! A romantic night in! Brises and baptisms! Pediatric Hospital Greetings!

Time is running out! One more week of this and I won’t be able to afford the generous insurance benefits I grant my warehouse staff! They’ll be forced to protest, further complicating our image issue! Do your part! Keep the confusing thing that people already think happened from happening in real life, except, of course, for the real version of it that is currently happening!

*Siren*

Chyron:

“VERY CLEAR!”

“STOP THE MISGUIDED PROTEST YOU MISTAKENLY THOUGHT WAS LEGITIMATE FROM BECOMING INHERENTLY RIGHTEOUS IN NATURE!”