This USC Admissions Essay Has a Unique Perspective, Lots of Heart and Absolutely Zero Correct Facts about Water Polo

As a senior admissions officer for the University of Southern California…

The sheer vitriol that I have endured in the past week has astounded and saddened me greatly. Both my standard of ethics and my judgement have come under immense scrutiny. “How can you claim to be good at your job when something like this slips past you?” people have asked. Well, I was reading for style and voice, not blatantly incorrect water polo facts... of which I am told there are many.

In reviewing admissions essays, one must engage with the beating heart of the story before becoming burdened with the details. To illustrate my point, I have included excerpts from the essay in question which, apart from the overt falsehoods and athletic inaccuracies, serves as an excellent piece of writing from a student with a culturally-rich background. The attached photo showed a bright-eyed athlete with a torso like Michael Phelps, and I'm not just saying that because there were three Olympic gold medals around his neck.

But with the eyes of the nation upon the documents obtained in the criminal complaint, I can see now that there are descriptions of play that don’t quite add up.

For example, the student in question frequently used terms like, “shallow-end advantage,” “dunking the AquaNet,” and, “swim hat.” Yet, as a reader, I was hooked by the essay's clear and engrossing narrative, as well as its roguish authorial presence. Plus, the real meat of the story was in the relationship with his father, and not tied up in a few technical fallacies.

“I felt like I couldn’t be the son my dad needed me to be. 'This is a man’s game,' he would snarl with the fetid aroma of whiskey hot on his breath. 'You couldn’t even last an hour on that water-court!' He drunkenly tossed me his polo ball and the weight dragged me straight to the ground. I could barely lift it. No child could...”

While I now see that the author should have used the term, “pool,” in lieu of, “water-court,” he still managed to set the stage for a heart-wrenching patriarchal dynamic with staggering verbal economy! So I was rapt as he described his father's tragic death in sumptuous and unsparing detail.

“'Son,' he coughed, feebly beckoning me to his hospital bed. His eyes, once so stoic and scornful, had grown clouded with tears. I could see his face in mine, and mine in his. 'I want you to have this. Go get ‘em tomorrow,' he whispered. Suddenly the agony melted from his face and I knew he was free from pain. As the knell of the flatline pierced the still hospital air, I watched his lifeless fingers unfurl. He had left me his prized water polo glove.”

Spellbinding! Yeah, the glove thing, okay. And sure, I knew this man wasn’t actually deceased, as I had been verbally harassed by his father via phone and email countless times since the writing of the essay. Plus, I'm not stupid. I mean, how could a dead man offer to buy me an Acura? But those trivial banalities couldn’t possibly negate such a masterful command of prose! Consider his emotionally weighted account of the match the following day.

“The referee waded out... his uniform soaked up to the neck, the rigid columns of black and white undulating majestically in the refraction of the water, frenetic and unsettled by the swirling arms of all forty players in the pool... He lifted the starting pistol high above his head and fired. Bang!”

The student then described swimming to the bottom to determine the victor of the coin toss, which was one of many descriptions of gameplay that took place entirely underwater. Of course, it's physically impractical and explicitly forbidden in the sport, but still, I’m riveted! Aren’t you?

“At the two hour mark, I could barely focus on the halftime show. Just as I was putting my pads and flippers back on, I heard someone call out, “Hey Mijo, be brave, y te amo mucho!”. I turned and saw mi familia. I shed a joyful tear into the heaving sea of chlorine, and waved to mi tia, mi abuela, y mi madre, Felicity Huffman.”

Simply serene.

“But there were so many signs,” others have protested. “And we haven't even mentioned the inclusion of umpires' masks, articulate underwater vocal communication, a dedicated splash-zone, being, 'Ready to Rumble...'”

Well, it's those same, overly-vigilant objectors that blame me for not questioning the student's background. I found nothing out of the ordinary regarding the application’s reference to Lunape and Tibetan heritage, but I have come under fire for overlooking the inclusion of several endangered species on that section's write-in column, namely the Caribbean Monk Seal, Whooping Crane, and North American Goliath Frog.

While I might not be perfect, a little empathy would be nice. I've found myself wrongly embroiled in the mire of a national scandal, but kindly remember that I'm no different than you. I get up each morning, eat breakfast with my kids, and drive to work in my free Acura like everybody else.